girl named atikah

casting!

2009-12-13T04:07:00.003+08:00

The play is on the roll and we've done castings! :D I'm so excited!

So, I guess you need to know the details:

Me and my friend, Mijah, wrote a script together for a theatre production at an event called IPAC (yeah, I have no idea what that stands for). Actually, we wrote two scripts. The first one was the original idea. Fluffy and sweet with a dash of moral values tailored to appease the general crowd. I mean, the whole theme of the play is 'Love is...'. Naturally, we thought, ok, fluffy and sweet! Eh, not so much. The director decided we need to ante it up a bit. Make it sophisticated. Dark. Sombre. Circulating heavy issues.

Panic-strickened (we had only a day to come up with a new concept and tentative lines), I went to Mijah's place and we brainstormed. And when I mean 'brainstormed', it's more on the lines of watching a movie called 'Coraline'. Awesome stuff. Did parents actually brought kids to watch this movie? I'm almost twenty and this movie freaked me out. Creepy. Though don't think we're ripping off the idea of Coraline, no, but our script is greatly influenced by the movie. Here, have a sneak peek:

The audition itself was an incredibly fun experience! There was a general nervous and excited vibe going on, which made me feel bubbly inside. :) Seeing how the actors try their hardest to say their lines with the right set of emotions and gestures is pretty amazing. A lot of them exceed our expectations. And Mijah and I, being the newbies here, were really having a great time. We're like kids that get to hang out with the grown ups, for once. haha! The members of the production house, the people we're collaborating with, Alter Ego Production, were serious but in no way, condescending. I think that they were very tolerant of our obvious amateur ways. The actors were very nice and patient. You won't believe what we made them do. And they're hilarious! Love those people. :)

There's a few worries though.

Even though we've already picked most of our cast members, there's still a bunch of maybes. :/ And I hate to be cruel so when we named our selected cast members, I couldn't look at any of the actors. Because I know that some of them tried really hard to get the parts right but just couldn't nail it. It kills me. And I try to control my facial expression to not show what I really think but the lack of enthusiasm from me was very obvious. And there is this one actor that nailed a part that nobody else could. Nobody else could even reach anywhere near how he delivered his lines. I'm serious, he got the lines, the facial expressions and the gestures down pat. It's an instant click in my brain. Unfortunately, and this is a big one, he looked too young for the role. I know. What?? But it's true. We tried to reason with the others but it seems like a losing battle. They are right, I agree, that physical appearance is important but damnit, he delivered the lines so well! Ah well. :/ Can't have everything.

At the moment, we are nowhere near phase one. HAHA. Really, NOWHERE NEAR AT ALL. We've just sent the finished script to the production house so they could send it to a higher authority to approve the script. Hopefully, this will work out. I have the feeling there will be more rewrites in the near future but I hope nothing too drastic. Right now, me and Mijah are just chilling out after a week of squeezing our brains to write the scenes. Our roles in this theatre production are co-scriptwriters. We are not directors. Maybe co-directors but we definitely play a lesser role than the main director herself. So, things might change at the end product. I do not mind as long as it enhances the play.

I will be blogging the progress of this play. I know, it's 15 minutes only. But these 15 minutes are the first few minutes of me becoming a legit scriptwriter. A title I really want to add to my other titles I've collected sofar. 2009 has been an awesome year because I keep doing all these things that I never thought I'd do. We still have a few days left of '09. Keep it coming! ;)

Please make yourself free on the 15th of January 2010

to witness our first foray into scriptwriting

for the event of IPAC!

early december

2009-12-06T02:11:00.000+08:00

I am going back to Gombak tomorrow to start a new semester. Yey. :|

Actually, yesterday, I was pretty excited because I bought a couple of new things for my classes and all that. Retail therapy, how small or insignificant, is always good in my books. But today, I don't know... The weather is bringing me down and making me feel so lethargic. It's either that or I am incredibly unhealthy. I think it's both. :/ (do I feel a new year's resolution coming on?)

What did I do during the 2-week break?

Apart from the katamata reading (which I have yet to blog about but everything went great!), all I can remember is... house work. My maid had conveniently went back to her hometown, for good by the way, on the day my holiday started. Right. I don't know whether it's some cruel agreement between my mom and my maid, but yes, I'm sure some of you are glad to know that I'd spent most of my time in my holidays doing house work. We have a new maid now - who came on the last day of my holiday... Still think I'm paranoid?

The whole holiday is pretty much bookmarked by the poetry reading. During the whole week before that Saturday, I was reeling in anxiety. Seriously, I was a mess. I was the mess that washed dishes and swept floors. Haha. And the week after that, I was... euphoric! So, despite the gloomy weather that's really bringing me down, I am actually in a stellar mood.

I am taking 19 credit hours this semester. Please, please, don't screw up.

Oh and I've been sleeping at 5 AM and waking up at 10 AM. So, you can understand why I'm lethargic. But I blame the weather. :|

Also, I might be getting myself involved in another theatre performance in January. This time, in the scriptwriting front. Yes! Finally! A department I really like! No, no acting. It's a really small sketch. 15 minutes tops. The idea was that the theatre performance will be segmented between different themes. So, me and my friend (yep, I'm a co-playwright in this) decided to write on one of the themes which will run for 15 minutes. I think this would be really awesome because I've never actually took part in writing or directing a play before. So, baby steps, my friend. :) This hasn't been confirmed yet though. The director liked the concept but we need to smooth some of the rough edges. And yes, the director is really attentive to details. Kecut perut. WILL PERSEVERE. So, hopefully this will set off. :)

And hopefully, we won't be threatened with suspension. Again. HAHA.

In a few weeks, I'll be heading to India! And yes, miss loads of classes. Just one week. Or so. I think. I am going to see Taj Mahal :D and I don't know, dance Bollywood style in my uncle's house. Heh. And shop. Oh yes, I've saved up some money to go absolutely insane in India later on. And eat curry. And meet Salman Khan. It is the holiday that I've been waiting for. So, classes or no classes, I'm going!

I feel really bad for this blog because I was supposed to make over the layout but... yeah. I got lazy. And uninspired. And I am actually really horrible with html especially with the new xml shtick. I always wish I know somebody who is a html whiz to do the formatting for me. :/ I might scrap the idea of icons as links because it's so TEDIOUS. But we'll see. I've been changing the background colour again and again. Garh.

And on another note, remember previously how a family member of mine wanted to open a coffee shop? They decided not to. :/ I'm bummed out at the fact that they won't be using the flyer after all. And the thing is, I love coffee shops! I love to be a part of creating a coffee shop! Why oh why. Oh well.

Anyway, I have to go. I'll update on the poetry reading and every event I said I'll update on! Before 2010! Seriously, I've backlogged so many things. :/ My blogging burns.

possibility

2009-12-04T04:33:00.002+08:00

Why do people make up memories? They never happened but they play in your mind over and over again.

Like a dream you're directing. You can rewrite the dialogues. You can make him walk to you this time, instead of away. You can make yourself cry this time, instead of staying silent. These things never happened. He never looked at you that way. Those words would've never come out of your mouth. You have never been to that restaurant. That restaurant doesn't even exist.

But there, in your little grey matters, there you are. And him. And you. And he looks you at this way that he never did. And you said all these words you were never smart enough to think. He holds your hand. He smiles. You smile. That's all really - his hand over yours. Of all things your mind could imagine, this one memory - one that doesn't exist - keeps replaying in your head.

You wish it happened. But that's not exactly true.

You have other made up memories. Always him. Looking at you in that way you wish he did. Always you. Saying things that's too smart and witty that you can never say. At the beach with nobody else. In his bed, under the covers, fully clothed. In the rain like in the movies. In your living room, with your parents in the next room.

But always the same - that look, your words.

It's not the memory you wanted. You missed them because it did happen. A long time ago. When he still could look at you that way. When you still could say things that you never imagine saying. But it's in the past. It didn't matter where it happened and how. But the fact is it did. And you can't have it again. It happened already. If life was a movie, this would be the credits rolling. It's over. it's over. it's over.

And those made up memories aren't memories you want in the past - it's the memories you want to create in the future. To look forward to. To not have it to end. Don't let it happen. We can have it in the restaurant, in a full hallway, in the bright light of a lamp post in a deserted street. And then...

And then you can look at me in that way again. And I'll say it this time. I'll say it. I'll say it this time.

Just... look at me.

I miss those made-up memories because...
I missed the possibility of it happening.

feast

2009-11-30T20:32:00.005+08:00

here
in the valley of red
on the bed
of my mouth
lies your pride
gnashed between my
little white bones
your fears, a sweet little enticement
from your epic insecurity
ten million stanzas long
a deity is dictating
them
on and on she goes
sweat and vigour won't stop her
from making you feel
like excrement waste

i love it when you
avert your eyes
where is your vanity
just stains on my teeth
your weaknesses
a mile long buffet
i am always in a feast
ten million plates of guts
on display

look up, dear
we've come to stare
when you trip, stumble,
and fall
our applauses explode
as silent as our smiles
hidden underneath our
stoic lips

look up dear,
i love it when you avert your eyes
witness me cradling your organs
to my gleaming whites
as the deity's lips
chases you
witness me
be the lover of gluttony
be your troubles' devotee
i am always in a feast

your bones
my main course

xxx

This poem is not dedicated to anyone.

I read this during Sharon Bakar's Readings@Seksan November 2009. I read two poems of mine, one is this and the other is 'Crooked Rib'. This one seemed to be the favourite of the crowd that day. I had this person, who happens to be a junior magistrate judge, telling me I am very morbid person... I didn't need anyone to tell me that actually. ;)

September 2009. Kajang.

moo?

2009-11-27T03:10:00.001+08:00

I wanted to put a picture of a cow

but I feel that might offend some animal lovers out there. ;)

Been busy, so I guess you just get a lame-ass wish in a post. Sorry love.

Go easy on the meat, people. I know it's free and all. Heh.

SELAMAT HARI RAYA HAJI!

kata.mata & seksan

2009-11-26T03:29:00.001+08:00

Remember this post I wrote a few weeks back? About being enthusiastic and optimistic and how something awesome will happen at the end of the week? Well, what's going to happen at the end of this week is even more awesome than the one happened that week. But if that previous event didn't happen, the next event won't. Okay, I'm totally screwing with your brains at the moment right now. Heh. So, let me give you some visual aid for you to understand the situation clearly:

I will be reciting a poem under the poetry group 'katamata'
at Sharon Bakar's Readings for the month of November 2009.

This will be the first time for me and also, for the group, katamata.

The word that fully encompasses how I feel right now is this: cuak. I've been keeping my sanity at bay by delaying my thoughts about it. But it's this Saturday (!!!) so I can't really keep ignoring it, can I? Breathe.

The earlier post is about how us Kata.mata folks compiled our first zine to bring to Sharon Bakar's Readings in October 2009. Our main reason (and cheerleader) for this idea was the fact that Afi, a close friend and one of K.M's members, was invited to recite her poems at the event. Yes, she's that good. That girl is way ahead of any of us so we were just happy to be her supporter there. But Afi also suggested to us to make something so that she can represent K.M there. Hence, K.M's first zine was compiled and printed. :)

You can read Sharon Bakar's pov on the event here and Afi's here.

It was given out for free because we know we're at the bottom of the food chain in the local literature scene. HAHA. But it was a good idea because we managed to spread our poems indiscriminately. Plus, we're Malaysians yo - we love free stuff. Hence, the audience during the event loved it and we managed to give away every copy. Which proved to be the first step to this event.

To tell you the truth, up until last week, I've been dying to email Sharon if she'd like to have us for her November event. But I keep procrastinating it. Rethinking about it. Getting all cuak about emailing her. Insecurity tugging me down. And the fact I was facing my finals for the past 3 weeks before didn't help either.

Then, Afi told us Sharon emailed her asking if Kata.mata wants a slot in for the November event. In other words, Sharon Bakar invited us. You would not believe what that did to my ego.

So, I'd like to thank to all the K.M folks who helped shape the K.M zine because without that free flimsy thing, we would have never gotten the slot in the first place. A special thanks and a pat at the back to Afi, for assisting the process and paving the way for K.M to be recognized, Shaqyl, for designing the zine despite the crazy due date (I gave her two days), and Faiz for financing the zines, braving the rain with the non-fuctioning air-conditioner in your car and getting lost on top of everything else.

And so, now, I'm twiddling my fingers in sheer anxiety until Saturday comes up. Joining me during K.M's performance are Moon, Shaqyl and Dina. Wish me luck, people!

PS: Amir Muhammad won't be there though. :(

kueh mueh?

2009-11-24T21:27:00.006+08:00

Showing you guys what made me stay up until 5 am yesterday (today?).

Isn't it adorable? :D

Yeah, yeah, I know that I'm not suppose to praise myself but... isn't it adorable!

A family member of mine is planning to open a restaurant/cafe/kopitiam (because we obviously in need of one of those) and I decided to help out. This is not even a real flyer. Meaning, this is just a visual addition to the proposal of a shoplot they're aiming to own in a mall. So, don't expect to see these babies around. But the said family member is pretty happy with it. In fact, she's super impressed that I have a feeling I might get to do some more designing for this restaurant! If it takes offlah. Which I hope it does. :D

This picture above is just the beginning of the process. And yes, I'm using Photoshop Element which is not even... I don't want to talk about it. GARH. Below is the one I've done so far:

Then, guess what!

The soon-to-be shopowner suddenly decided to change the shop's name to just 'kueh'. Ah dammit! I was almost done! And she thinks the pink banner is a bit too modern. Dang.

By the way, most of everything I used up there is stolen. Yep. Pictures are not mine, the background picture is not mine etc. But since I'm not really using this for commercial, I guess it's ok... I think. Thank you Google!

I think that's one of the reasons I don't do graphic work like this anymore for events or co-curricular clubs. It's the redo that kills me. And I really don't have the time to slave myself in front of the computer while attending classes. Furthermore, these graphic jobs are usually thankless. Committee members will NEVER pay you and sometimes, not even give you a certificate for your work. So, yes, not exactly keen with the idea. I know that some people would just do posters or banners for the fun of it, but I guess I'm too busy to do that now. In fact, I haven't touched my Photoshop in months! I guess I'm busier with the written word currently.

Speaking about the written word...

This Saturday, Insya Allah, something MASSIVE will happen. To me. To my friends. To Katamata. If you're in my Facebook, I'm sure you'll know what I'm talking about. I am so excited, nervous and... I just really hope Saturday goes well. I am calming down my nerves by not thinking about it. haha! I'll inform you as soon as possible! :D

hols

2009-11-21T04:22:00.004+08:00

See title? Yes.

It hasn't completely sunk in yet that I am having no classes or assignments at the moment. Or maybe I'd already program my brain to expect work. Damn, nasty. I have no plans for now but I hope I won't be stuck at home. :/ Last semester is such a killer! I swear, I had never felt so tired and overwhelmed. I don't remember dates, I remember deadlines. Which is why I accidentally skipped my cousin's open house last Raya. Thank god she was understanding. Or perhaps, I was a bit hysterical when I explained to her my excuse. haha! Maybe I should take less subjects. Or try harder. I say this every start of a new semester, by the way.

There was one horrible week where I had two presentations, three term paper datelines, one midterm and 6 surahs to memorize for my Tilawah class. It's amazing that I didn't have a nervous breakdown.

I am going to miss Danial and Mazlan though. Er, not so much Adrian. haha. My hatred towards Linguistics runs deep. One thing I won't miss though: Leadership & Management Class. But I'll be learning how to be a good parent next semester. If you're asking me why my university cares if I turn out to be a good parent or not, I'd say, damn, I have no idea too. Fact is, they do. Mind your own business! Ugh.

I am going to declare my major soon! :D

I suppose I should end this blog post. Er, I'll try to update this blog as much as possible. :P I know, I know, I have so many previous blog posts saying things like, 'I will update you on this and that' and never do. haha. I guess, I'm just not cut out to be a blogger? Heh.

meeting mazlan

2009-11-19T01:49:00.004+08:00

you, i kill
with a pen knife
blunt
pen knife
and glue
and stamps
while jesse mccartney
singing
at the back
about asses.

xxx.
You, here, is not dedicated to Mazlan. But my friend, Mijah. Who doesn't think this is funny. :/ I thought I'd get a chortle by 'and stamps'. I was under stress - we're playing Twister together. :D

Novel exam in a few hours. Last paper, yo.

Gombak. Today.

beastly

2009-11-13T04:05:00.002+08:00

little girl lost
all pretty and ready
for a homecoming party
smeared eyeliner
licked lip gloss
ready to go anywhere
just show her the door
and she will bide you
thank you
cherish you

little girl lost
always premature
always too late
timing despises her
you will never be on time
it says, you will never be
on time

little girl lost
is now on her knees
vomiting piles and piles
of lip gloss and eyeliner
sick of the things
granting her wishes
she's tugging her hair now
one root at a time
she's grown her nails now
so she can carve
his words
on her skin
close to her veins
pumping pumping
deep trenches of fresh flesh
how silly this all seems

little girl lost
now wanders
beastly at sight
let these words repel you
let it be known
i am a carnage
i am a shell
i am bones constructed by science
wrapped up and sealed
but i am beastly
unsightly
time always tell me
how i will always be premature
always be too late
so let me wander in this pit
where only i know
how to read
the map of my scars
close to my veins

all she craves for
is being

unblemished

just this once

xxx

Woman, you are an object. And everytime, you reach an expiry date. You apologize for your incompetence.

Gombak. October. 09.

forever happiness now

2009-11-07T22:47:00.003+08:00

Once, I asked a guy friend of mine, ' What is flirting to you?'

And he answered, 'Oh flirting is just another interaction with the opposite sex... what matters is in the heart.'

The second part of the sentence brought out the cynical part of me, however, at that time, my classmate had started to give a presentation in class so I didn't say anything afterwards. Really, the heart, is it? And since human hearts are buried underneath layers of meat, arteries, capillaries and god-knows-what, I'm guessing, we'll never know, eh? Tough luck.

This is a sort of a reply to a friend. Not really a reply. Just some thoughts about it.

Players are born from heartbreaks.

Unless you can clean their history slate and past experience, there is no way - ABSOLUTELY NO WAY - you can change a person. People are egocentric, they won't change for anybody except for themselves. That's the cold hard truth but it doesn't make it less true, does it?

A player is a player. Even before you met him, he was already one. Changing that fact means you're changing the person who he already is. Years and years of experience made him what he is today. Like a permanent scar. A trait. A tattoo, whatever. He was already like that. This is just another part of him you have just discovered.

And I have to say this, I really hate it when I get it wrong about a guy. Hate hate HATE. You know why? Because when girls fall in love - love, lust, like, it gets confusing - most of us put the guy up on a freaking pedestal. Oh god, he's so smart, so cute, so amazingly amazing bla bla bla. And suddenly - reality crashes in - he's NOT so amazing after all. In fact, he's horrible. A prick. A complete asshole. Suddenly, your perspective about him changed overnight.

Then, you start thinking, Oh god, how dare he made me fall in love with him! How dare he made me believe that this is more than nothing! How - dare - HE.

Trust me, I've gone down that road one too many times. Up to the point, there is no romance left, just science and rules and regulations. Love at first sight? Romantic but c'mon! Love at many sights? Keep talking. Days? Yeah right. Weeks? Not quite enough. Months? Hmm, now that makes sense. See? Science, rules and regulations. It takes more to believe these days.

Heartbreak.

What do I mean by heartbreak?

Crash and burn. A complete total disaster. A fairy tale gone bad. Half of your brain went on comatose. Your heart isn't just an organ anymore - it's a separate living thing. Everything affects you - the weather, tv, random people off the streets etc.

It's when you couldn't stop crying.

It's when you cry because you realised how long - and how painful - it had been when you first started crying.

And that's when you made a vow - to yourself, to the world, to everything and anything - that you will never ever feel this way again.

Never. Not ever. Forever happiness now.

I'm just here for the happiness, you say. I'll stay long enough for you to fall in love with me, long enough for me to feel your attention and adoration, long enough for you to waste your time on me. But I will not stay long enough for me to be hurt. I will not stay long enough for me to be lied to.

I will not stay because I don't want to believe there is a reason for me to stay.

I will not stay because I was not the person I used to be.

I'm not that pathetic piece of crap anymore.

I'm the NEW me.

A permanent scar, a trait, a tattoo.

And that my friends, is how players are born.

xxx

Super old blog post. I was much more... colourful. haha. But I still think I'm right on this issue. Anybody out there disagrees with this?

August 2007. Kajang.

hipokrasi si perempuan

2009-11-06T14:57:00.002+08:00

oi perempuan galak
suara kau teramat ghairah
bertazkirah berbincang
berdiskusi fitnah
konon pelakon utama
ayat-ayat cinta
konon bersinar
dengan cahaya keimanan
tapi sebenarnya
berpeluh hangat
baru habis sesi
anggota badan
dirogol teman lelaki

oi perempuan galak
kesepian sebenarnya
penuh dengan cacat cela sebenarnya
oleh itu kepenuhan fizikal
mencukupi waktu kini
harap pendidikan biologi
tingkatan 3 sekolah dahulu
memberi peringatan
semasa baju sudah lucut
dari kulit ke lantai rumah

oi perempuan galak
adakah kau gemar perhatian ini?
adakah ini dipanggil kasih sayang
yang kau puja?
aku memandangmu dengan sedih
untuk lima saat
sebelum mulutku mencebik
cis, hanya gadis jalanan
sedia untuk apa-apa
asalkan terasa bagus
dari tangan yang meraba
hingga ke mulut yang berapi

wahai wanita
aku tidak gemar;

ini bukan aktiviti
masa lapangku
aku tidak gemar
merasmikan forum
mencaci ini
aku tidak gemar
mengherdik
ini bukan diriku
sama juga
galak bukan
nama kurniaan
mu

tetapi kalau kau memandang aku serong lagi?
atas bawah pula?

kau suka aktiviti fizikal, bukan?
mari beri pipi.
tangan ingin berkenalan.

xxx
Let's just say... I was inspired? Heh.

Recently, I went to one of Sharon Bakar's readings and met Amir Muhammad there. I showed him this poem which he read and laughed. He said something about making a point to stay away from poetesses. "Tamparan wanita". ;)

March 2009. Gombak.

le zine~

2009-10-28T00:49:00.002+08:00

Insya allah, something awesome will happen on Saturday.
If it doesn't, it's fine either way. :)
I think I am amazed how I managed to plan this out
just by being optimistic and... enthusiastic.
But I don't think I'll get anywhere without a similarly optimistic and enthusiastic crew!
I hope I am not biting more than I can chew.
But my heart is saying 'DON'T STOP BELIEVING.'
So, I'm just going to do just that.

I really really hope this works because that would mean I am closer to my future than I thought I'll be. In a way, I am piecing bits of my ideal future together. Hope, wants, wishes. Please please. :)

I will not remain disappointed.

I am too busy to be disappointed.

Yeah, ok, I am being vague as hell again. Whatever it is, the finished product is still not in sight so I will not reveal yet what it is. It is an effort of a team and I would like thank the members of kata.mata for all of their cooperation and effort. Yes, hint hint. We're all up with our eyeballs with work but optimism is a clingy seductress and will not leave us for now. Hehe. But whatever happens this week, I hope we can reach our goal! I'll show you all what it is after it's done.

I would like to thank this woman for possibly bringing me closer to this woman. Or this man.

montauk

2009-10-24T00:40:00.003+08:00

"Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked up girl who's looking for her own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours."

-- Clementine, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

This is my favourite movie.

***

At the moment, I am dealing with questions that I thought will never apply to me. I don't know, I figured I had everything handled. Things happen to other people. Not so, it seems. When I was younger, I always thought adults just knew what to do when the time comes. The time is here, and I don't know. I am utterly clueless. What I do know is that I am a work in progress and that really frustrates me to no end.

I am sitting on a mountain of questions that I can't even begin to answer.

And yet, life goes on. Classes to go. Lunches to eat. Taking baths. Driving back home. All these mundane things suddenly a proof of achievement that yes, you still have got some sense of control and that you are a fully functioning human being. Crumbling is not an option. Not anymore, anyways.

And amidst all that, the drive to update this blog has gone almost zero. Heh, sorry, I've been busy and occupied. Will be back soon enough.

crooked rib

2009-10-10T17:40:00.008+08:00

i am not one of your
series of coincidence

i am not a habit
you pick up
you repeat
you discard

i am more like
that allergy
you got
from being
careless

i contemplate

should i carve my initials
on the linings of your
skull
to declare that
I WAS HERE?

i am holding my shank
from my collection of bones
that piece of rib
which certified me
woman

contemplating if

you are worth
my moral damage

is vengeance sweet?
pray tell
i've been fasting

xxx
Gombak. 10.10.09

ehem,

2009-10-07T01:15:00.005+08:00

Next week, a friend of mine, Haneesa, is going to direct a play in conjunction with Convest. Convest is a fancy term for 'convocation festival' where all the lucky bastards get to finally get out of this university. haha! Hell yeah, I'm bitter. Anyway, I think the play itself is a small affair since... there's hardly any promo and we've only started shaking things up a bit.

I've just agreed to become the sound engineer of this play. 'Sound engineer' is a fancy term for 'the person who sits behind the laptop and press keys on cue for the soundtrack'. haha! Sound engineer. If the microphone suddenly conks out, nobody is going to look for my help. But hey, it beats being the wardrobe person again. I have no idea why I get that job, seeing as my wardrobe isn't even a matter of interest. Also, I think most of my assignments will be passed up by the end of this week.

It has a P Ramlee theme! Expect twists, mopeds and beehives! Batik and celana! Getaran jiwa, babe. ;) I'm pretty psyched to use all the awesome P Ramlee hits and not to mention, the unique sound effects of P Ramlee movies. Dum dum dum DUM!

So, to all my friends:
Please keep yourself free next Tuesday (13th October!).
More details on this will be posted on Facebook.

2009-10-02T23:18:00.005+08:00

"Tell me again what did I do when I get pissed back then? Did I count, listen to music..."

"No. You call him."

"Oh."

"Yes, oh."

"Well, I'm screwed."

"Right you are."

cocoon

2009-09-27T20:40:00.003+08:00

Open houses attended in 1 week = 17

Assignments done in 2 weeks = 2

I am a horrible student as you can see. But oh boy, 17 open houses. That has to be a record. On some days I went to 5 houses straight. Some are out of obligation but only a handful really mattered to me. So, I am about to vomit blood at this point. HAHA. No, really, I give up. I really can't do this anymore. I am at THE END of my tether. I actually called somebody during MY own open house and said, 'I think I'm about to go crazy'. I am perpetually in baju kurung because either I am heading out to somebody's house or just got back from one.

This social butterfly wants to be sucked back in to her cocoon please!

Anyway, today marks the end of our 2 week holiday and I'm not entirely sure to be sad or glad. Sad because holidays are always good and welcomed in my books. Glad because that means I can return to some sort of normalcy. And all those undone assignments. As well as those little tasks I'm supposed to do for some of my classes. The books I've borrowed from the library are way overdue. Tsk tsk. Back to life as a hermit.

By the way, do you know that
in a couple of days,
we will have about 3 months
until 2010?

Just saying.

This is a "I'm busy but not exactly on hiatus" post.

post-raya rant

2009-09-24T03:11:00.003+08:00

My Facebook status: a mad raya is when you're on painkillers on the third day and get food-poisoning on the fourth.

A very mad and unlucky raya for me. haha! You just have to laugh, really. :)

I think I like my raya this year for the really small things:- 

1. LEMANG.
I have no idea when I fell in love with lemang but I am very much in love with lemang now. And this year's raya, we got lemang, my friends. My raya is usually filled with nasi impit. This year, my mother didn't cook any nasi impit and made me and my dad go to the edge of the world (read: kajang) to buy some lemang. And OH MY GOD, it was brilliant!! I have no IDEA why we have been putting lemang off our raya menu all these years! WHY, MOTHER, WHY? Why did I ignore the succulent, tender and moist lemang for the tasteless and mushy nasi impit? Maybe it's because my parents are from the south and lemang are usually from the northern folks. But still. It is no excuse. After three days without lemang, I wish we have lemang right now. I think they've gone stale at this point. I don't know, must find out tomorrow.

Can you imagine my glee to find out that the stall I bought my lemang from sells lemang all-year-round? At times like these, I love Kajang.

2. DUIT RAYA.
The rate has gone higher. Yes, yes, yes. But sadly, less people are giving them out to me thanks to my aging looks. No, no, no. No matter, I blame the economy downturn. Plus, I'm starting to feel sorry for some of these people. We all are strapped for cash at the moment so I don't really mind. But I have to admit, I enjoy looking at my cousins 'tak ikhlas' faces when they're giving them out to me. Hell yes. Really, one of my cousins were giving out his duit raya to us younger ones with the look that says he rather have us shot than depart from his well-earned money. I told him to smile. He didn't. Geez, man.

3. EID PRAYERS.
This year marks my first Eid prayers in my whole entire life. It was incredible and I am amazed that I didn't fall asleep halfway through since I slept pretty late the night before.

4. An excuse not to think about the mountain of homework and assignments that is waiting for me.
Really now, I have around 4 term papers to write. Or is it 6? What kind of madness is this? For God's sakes, I know I am doing English Lit and all and words and letters are expected but seriously? A friend of mine, who's doing a different course that lucky bugger, has ONE assignment. One. I have all these researches and plotting and labelling and I don't know what else! Grammatical Analysis. I'm regretting the fact that I have skipped you for far too many times that I sincerely have no clue what the assigment is actually about. And it's due next week, along with other assignments as well. Ergo, lecturers are mean.

5. TRAVELLING.
I hate the whole process of travelling. But it has been awhile since I've packed for a trip (and not a week stay in Gombak), stepped into a hotel lobby and sleeping on and off in the car. Fortunately, I've charged my iPod so it was a breeze. What wasn't a breeze though? Getting your neck sprained after sleeping in the car on and off for almost ten hours. Ergo, painkillers. Since I am not your average athlete, I don't get muscle sprains a lot. Meaning, I don't get to consume painkillers a lot as well. And let's just say, I quite enjoyed it. ;) haha! Every step that I took felt like it never touched the ground. Everything was fine and lovely. There was this overall buzzy content feeling. I slept like a baby. I can understand completely how people can get addicted to this. But I don't ever want to be addicted to any sort of drugs even how harmless it may seem. So, after the pain went away, I stopped consuming them. With a sigh. :/

6. COUSINS.
I am very close to my cousins and honestly, we all are awesome together. There is a general love and closeness all the time. And we have awesome sense of humour together. We can thank our parents that, I suppose. I think all in all, I am very much enveloped by my friends. And families are sometimes pushed back for moments like these. It's not that I take my family for granted but I am categorical sort of person. I don't mix friends with families. I don't even mix certain friends with other friends. So, it's been awhile since I had completely immersed myself with my family and I love every moment of it. :)

There's probably more but I can't really think for now. Paul Auster and absurdism is calling me. That's my term paper's topic by the way. PAINKILLERS, WHERE ARE YOU? I'll start tomorrow. SIGH.

I hope you had a good Eid. :)

we saw the moon!

2009-09-18T20:42:00.006+08:00

I think.

I don't know but with all the science and technology these days, I'm sure they're confirmed with the date already. It's this Sunday :D My mum has happily announced that tomorrow will be the 'Big Cooking Day'. Booyah. Can't wait, man. This is what dreams are made of. haha! So, I think I'll be AWOL for a couple of days what with the rendang and lemang to be massacred in various places. I am heading to Johor Bahru (Go JB!) and Muar for that feel-good balik kampung feel. I hope you all will have fun and please drive safe! And oh yeah, a reminder that our pesky pitchfork-y vices are coming back so... don't take that extra helping of rendang, yeah? ;) As for me, I have always been a glutton! haha.

And importantly, I sincerely apologize if I have said or done anything offensive to you. Most likely, I am too much of an idiot to notice it. Also, if any of the contents in this blog has offended anyone (which, I think I have), I sincerely apologize as well. Anyway, here you go, a virtual kad raya for you:

selamat hari raya!

(This is an old work.
Masa tu, baru nak berjinak-jinak dengan Photoshop.
As you can see, there's tons of flaws
but hey, I was a newbie, these things happen. haha.
Both of them are my cousins.
The guy is getting married next year.
As for the girl.... Hmm, bila lagi Xumb? hehe.

November 2005. Kajang.)

abdullah

2009-09-18T02:25:00.006+08:00

I thank You

that I could still
be moved by
happiness
even in slight

that I could still
be surprised
within the bleakness
that I've built
of my life

that my tears
are evidence
of emotions felt

I thank You
for all the ingratitude
for all my ignorance
You have never left

I have left You
I have shunned You
I have
in my own
self-righteous escape
not once to think
You are everywhere

I am Your miracle

I am always running back to You
because none of their love
is as immortal as Yours
in blindness
I've searched for You
Your mercy
when all I had to do was
lay my wary head
to the ground
to feel the world
underneath my clasped eyelids

I face the ground
in hopes
of hope

I face the ground
in faith
of faith

I face the ground
in reminder
of reminders

forgive me
forgive me
I have forsaken You
in all the years
of ingratitude and betrayal
as limitless as Your Power
I lay my wary head
to the ground

for
I am null
I am void
without You

xxx
A poem I've always wanted to write.

Written this morning, September 2009. Kajang.

thoughts

2009-09-15T16:14:00.002+08:00

ask me how much i love you
can you ask a simpler task of me?

i can't bear the thought
of not being
a part
of your future
i can't bear the thought
of losing you
out of
insecurity
i can't bear the thought
of distance
as our sole excuse
i can't bear the thought
of not seeing you
aged
finding you handsome
within wrinkles and
painful leg joints

i can't bear these thoughts so much
i don't mind being
inconsolably
heartbroken
if ever that should happen

xxx
I feel like a hypocrite. I don't like reading Fynn Jamal's poems to her husband but I write and post this up.

Written in July 2009. Gombak.

diana

2009-09-14T14:39:00.004+08:00

This is my friend, Diana.
I've known her since I was 10
but we became best friends since I was 13.

She's one of those rare breed of people who are beautiful in the outside and the inside and smart. And, she's pretty ambitious too. Editor of the school magazine. Athlete. She represented our school for tons of stuff. We nicknamed her, 'Wonderwoman'. Because, really, this girl can pretty much do anything.

See? Interracial marriages are awesome
because they bring awesome people like Diana! HAHA.

Anyway, a few days ago, she left us to Ireland to pursue Medic. :( Today's post is a tribute to my bestie, Didi, who I will miss like mad. I hope you'll have fun among the cadavers and... leprechauns? See you next year, babe.

Subang Jaya. 2005.

kenapa kau tak memahami perasaan ku!

2009-09-11T02:18:00.005+08:00

I am currently reading this:

I am not remotely kidding. Tak tipu.

My cousin saw me buying this book and she was like, 'WHAT THE HELL?' I told her that I am going through a phase.

Ok, before somebody go all nationalist defensive mode here, I would like to say that I don't read romance novels. In Malay or English. You know, the typical romance novels like Judith McNaught or whatever. 'The Time-traveler's Wife' does not count because that book kicks ass. But yes, even in English, I don't read romance novels because... I feel they lack substance. Man meets woman. Woman resists, man persists. Woman and man goes to bed. Bla bla bla. You get me? I can't deny I've read some of them, and some are quite ok, but I don't buy or own any of them. Books are expensive, people. It's ok because my university actually stocks Danielle Steel so if I need some of that 'thrusting' and 'exploding' loving (which I hope, never), I'll just head down to my campus library. haha. That statement is much more ironic if you know where I am studying.

So, what is the deal with Ombak Rindu?

I've heard about it so much from different people. Really. My cousin, my friend Maj and a number of bloggers gushed about this book. To the point I actually remember the title. You see, most of the books I bought are out of curiousity. Which is why I really really want to read Salman Rushdie's 'The Satanic Verses'. But, uh, yeah, that's a whole different story. So, finally, I thought, let's pop my cherry in reading Malay romance novels and... there you go.

And so far, surprisingly, I am kinda enjoying it. :D haha. I'm not kidding. I actually grin to myself reading some of the parts! God. But it's definitely a guilty pleasure read. None of that deep, and analytical comments on society thing going on. Unless the author is commenting on how the Malay society sees women as this:

Perempuan Ayu = Lelaki akan sayang dan setia.

Perempuan Tak Ayu = Andartu/ Bahan mainan seksual lelaki/Bakal dicerai

Well, at least that's what I got from reading it. But don't get me wrong, I actually am enjoying this book though I can't really overlook the stereotypes. And the author is allowed to write her opinions of people. Kudos to the author for making me enjoy a book that is usually not my cup of tea. So, um, all I'm saying is this:

DON'T JUDGE ME.

HAHA. Ok, I've got to back to the melodramatic Hariz and Izzah now.

(I had an embarassing moment buying this book. I asked one of the workers to look for this book for me in MPH. And you know what she did?? She yelled to her colleague at the other side of the shop, saying, "Mana Ombak Rindu? Customer nak beli Ombak Rindu! Ombak Rindu kat which section?" The whole store was looking. My sister and I just stood there, wanting to die. GARH.)

stranger danger

2009-09-08T20:12:00.004+08:00

I stand amazed at
how easy it was
for everything to happen
and for it to fall apart.

Song by Fiona Apple, 'Love Ridden'.